I'd wear matching sweaters with you
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
