i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
