It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
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