I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Alive.
So much puke
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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