dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
