i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
