shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Randomize
