All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
