hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
