Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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