Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
