i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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