I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
