i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
