I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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