I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
