And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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