I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
