I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
