i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
