you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You took a bar mat shot.
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Randomize
