WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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