you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Randomize
