Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
I'm passing your future prison.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
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