Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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