How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
All the doctor said was why
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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