just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
My vagina is very pro this idea
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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