You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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