I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Randomize
