I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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