Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize