My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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