Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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