The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
