I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
