I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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