i think i have two assholes
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
