I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
