Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
