found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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