9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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