well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
