Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
