I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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