listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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