mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize