I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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