I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
