i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
