Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
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