dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
