"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Randomize
