Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
