Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
