Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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