I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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