I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
Randomize
