so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
