Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
