I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
