Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
